I felt it. At least I thought I did. I knew him. That’s what I thought. I wanted him. That’s what I told myself. I always tried to convince myself that I was the perfect candidate but I knew better. Standing there with arms stretched out, patiently waiting, tears running down my cheeks but it felt like blood, pleading. It had only been few minutes but it felt like hours.

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All I wanted was to feel him, to know he was there, to be sure, to clear my clouds of doubt. I was praying ferverently, I had great expectations, hoping to be knocked off my feet like the others, expecting mighty gust of wind and tongues of fire like the apostles, neglecting the gentle touch of his fingers. I expected to hear his voice like Samuel did, loud and clear, bright as day, booming like the canon, I expected to hear him like moses did in between the clouds with voice as strong and powerful as thunder neglecting the soft, silent whisper.

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After relentless praying, I still felt incomplete not knowing he was already there, not knowing I was searching for the right thing in the wrong direction. I had doubts, maybe I had gotten to the point where my sins could no longer be forgiven, maybe I had run out of grace, maybe the river of salvation had run dry, maybe I had come a little too late to be washed by his blood, maybe my white garment was permanently stained and could never be white as snow again. Lot of maybes ran through my mind. Confusion seeped through my vein. It was hard to ignore.

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I felt worthless, I was nothing just an hopeless sinner. If only I had let him lead after all. I always claimed he was in control but yet never gave him the wheel, I always claimed the door to my heart was open but never let him in, I always claimed I was ready to receive him but still turned away.

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Let me in, He said. My door is always open, I replied.

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Do not get me wrong. I did want to let him in but something was there stopping me. Fear. It was fear. I was scared. Scared of the unknown. Scared of the future. Scared that I wouldn’t be considered worthy. Scared of cutting myself away from the world. Scared that I had run out of grace. Scared that I would make a mistake and I would lose him forever. Scared that the door of opportunities has been closed to me forever.

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But his grace is like confetti, ready to be sprayed all over again. His river of salvation can never run dry. It would have been better if I had realised this sooner. If only I knew I was been molded, reformed, refined, renewed and rebranded, just like gold, maybe it would have been better, but what is the fun in knowing tomorrow before it happens.

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It’s better late than never.

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And now I’ve learnt to let him lead.<a href=”